One Liner Friday’s

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Hello and welcome to another edition of One Liner Friday’s. Here you can find the past week in sports wrapped up in one line and one line only. Enjoy!!

Peyton Manning is very very very very very good at football.

Hey Flacco, I hope you had your notepad and pencil out while Mr. Manning was taking you to school (nice contract Ravens).

Seriously though, everyone should stop doubting Manning and his arm strength and his age and should just realize that he is one of the best to ever do it (NO, NOT 6, 7, 7 IS THE NUMBER!).

Something About Mary?

Oh Yankees, every time I think you’re going to return to form and storm your way into the playoffs, you go and do something like that.

In case you missed it, Big Mo blew a save (obviously against the Red Sox) and then who else but Joba the hut would go on to lose the game.

I still think the Yankees land the final Wild Card spot in the playoffs this year, watch.

I’ve said it about 10 times now, and I will say it again, Floyd Mayweather Jr. will be handed his first ever loss by Canelo Alvarez on Saturday September 14th.

I am looking forward to 50 Cent and Justin Bieber performing for Mayweather as he walks to the ring though (how stupid is that).

Nobody thinks that Cary Williams wanted to fight Riley Cooper because he is a blatant racist do they??

Because that would be absurd!

Hey, uh, Geno Smith, we passed on you just like everyone else in the 1st round of the draft, and we are actually going to play Mark ‘the worst quarterback in the history of the world’ Sanchez over you, but now that ummm, oh man this is awkward, now that he happens to be hurt THIS IS YOUR OFFENSE AND IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN!!

Yeah, I think he believes you and he’s buying the vote of confidence.

And if he’s not I certainly am.

It has been one of the most spectacular and impressive careers in the history of sports, but Roger Federer is officially on the Decline.

2013 became the first year he hasn’t reached a single Grand Slam Final since 2002 (back before he was the R-FED).

His career is not over, and I think he will make a comeback and have a nice showing in 2014 before he rides off into the sunset, but this is the first of many tributes to one of the finest athletes of all time.

Hey, uh, Andy Murray, I know you’re really busy being the ugliest man in the world, but a player of your stature should never lose in straight sets in the quarterfinals.

You know, instead of suspending Ryan Braun for the rest of the season, they should have just suspended him for 4.5 innings.

No?

Oh, that only works for privileged stuck up little children in College Football, my bad.

Who gives out a suspension of half of a game?!?!?

That’s like taking a convicted felon and saying, you know what we’re going to do, forget the whole prison thing, we are just going to give you about 25 minutes in the pink timeout chair in the corner (obviously the timeout chair is pink).

Thanks for reading everyone, and if you have your own one liner’s that you want to post, please feel free to do so in the comment section below. Enjoy your weekend everyone!!

If you enjoy my writing, follow me over to intheneutralzone.com where I am a contributing author there as well. Also you can follow me on twitter @DaveEttinger2 or like me on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/DaveTalksSports. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!

One Liner Friday’s

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Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of One Liner Friday’s. Here you can find the past week in sports wrapped up in one line and one line only. Enjoy!!

Ah yes, I must start with Ryan “Put Him In The Dumpster” Dempster.

I figured it out, The Dumpster thinks he is Batman, and felt taking the law into his own hands was perfectly acceptable (“They’ll have to understand, I’m Batman!”).

You know, it’s a shame Dempster had do this, I actually used to like him thanks to his hysterical Harry Caray impression.

Ryan Braun is O.J. Simpson.

Think about it, if you obviously committed a crime and got away with it, wouldn’t you go hide in a cave somewhere and make sure you never repeated such an egregious error again?

Enough of this Preseason nonsense, let’s bring on the real football already!

Are you ready for some fantasy football??

How bout dem’ Yankees!!

They have now won 5 games in a row, and they’re coming for a playoff spot; watch out everybody.

I know A-Rod has helped the team in their latest surge, but for people not to thank Alfonso Soriano for the teams offensive resurgence is ridiculous.

Tiger keeps playing well before and after Majors, hmmmmmm.

Anybody else tired of hearing about Jhonny Manziel?

Oh okay good, it’s not just me, for a second there I thought everyone was enjoying that drivel.

Roger Federer ranked 7th in the U.S. Open?!?!

It’ll be sad to watch him go, but this is the beginning of the end for the best tennis player in the history of the world.

I bet you didn’t know this, or even know who they are, but the Bryan brothers are the Tiger Woods (if you could clone him) of Men’s Doubles in Tennis.

They are twin brothers, and they currently hold the ‘Tiger Slam’ in tennis and will make it the traditional Grand Slam when they win The U.S. Open and hold all 4 Slam titles in the same calendar year.

By the way Ryan Braun, no one wants your stupid fake apology so just shove it somewhere painful.

Clayton Kershaw is one of the best pitchers baseball has ever seen, his e.r.a. this season is 1.72!

Cliff Paul’s twin brother Chris was named the NBA’s new President of the Player’s Union.

I think it’s a solid move (I mean who wouldn’t want a car insurance agent working for them?).

I know I’m repeating myself with this one, but I want everyone to know who predicted Mayweather’s first loss first.

Canelo Alvarez will take down Floyd Mayweather Jr. on September 14th.

Major League Baseball is getting to the exciting part of the year when the rest of you start watching and football is right around the corner, man this time of the year is great.

Enjoy the rest of your summer everyone!!

If you enjoy my writing, follow me over to intheneutralzone.com where I am a contributing author there as well. Also you can follow me on twitter @DaveEttinger2 or like me on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/DaveTalksSports. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!

A-Rod Receives Most Arbitrary Suspension Ever

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Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez can be called a lot of things, but dumb is certainly not one of them. He is so smart we might as well appoint A-Rod with a Rhodes Scholarship and let him try his hand at something else. See, the major point that everyone (and I mean everyone) is missing is just how well A-Rod has played and continues to play this whole situation. Most feel that he should be ashamed of himself. Some feel that he should have sat at the podium at his press conference Monday evening and opened up his personal diary. However, ALL, fail to see what’s really going on here. Now, this situation, and the topic of PED’s in baseball is a very complicated story that has more layers than a seven layer cake, but I will do my best to take it one step at a time and translate this soap opera into plain English. Alex Rodriguez has been in the Major Leagues for 19 years now. He debuted in July of 1994 with the Seattle Mariners. After playing in small stints at the Major League level in ’94 and ’95, A-Rod got his first chance to play full-time in 1996 and needless to say he did not disappoint. He put up staggering numbers every season like clockwork right up through the end of the 2010 season. Over the past two seasons we have seen a rapid decline in his production, while at the same time his apparent true calling came to light; Midday TV Soap Opera Star! And you thought he was born to play baseball. For those of you who don’t know the whole story let me quickly fill you in.

Alex Rodriguez last played for The Yankees in the 2012 postseason. He was absolutely useless in every way as The Yankees found themselves watching The World Series from home last year. He went an abysmal 3 for 25 in the postseason and if it weren’t for the struggles of Robinson Cano and the rest of The Yankees lineup he would have been singled out and burned at the stake. Since then, A-Rod has had hip surgery at the ripe old age of 37 (and has since turned 38 over the past couple of weeks), but that is merely a side note to the real story. Back in January of this year, Rodriguez, along with a slew of other MLB players, were named in connection with a Biogenesis clinic in Florida. This clinic was run by a man named Tony Bosch, who has ultimately become the centerpiece of the evidence in this case. Want to know where the drugs came from, just give a drug dealer some money and follow his lead right? This clinic was said to have provided players like Alex Rodriguez, Ryan Braun, Nelson Cruz and 11 others with PED’s which are banned from the game of baseball. Here is the full list of players suspended by MLB for PED use in connection with Biogenesis:

Alex Rodriguez (Yankees)

Ryan Braun (Brewers)

Nelson Cruz (Rangers)

Jhonny Peralta (Tigers)

Everth Cabrera (Padres

Jordany Valdespin (Mets, Minor Leagues)

Francisco Cervelli (Yankees, On DL)

Antonio Bastardo (Phillies)

Jesus Montero (Mariners, Minor Leagues)

Sergio Escalona (Astros, Minor Leagues)

Fernando Martinez (Yankees, Minor Leagues)

Fauntino De Los Santos (Free Agent)

Jordan Norberto (Free Agent)

Since January, this scandal has raged on and on like a California Wildfire and has turned into the most watched Reality TV show since The Jersey Shore (god, I hate that show). This story began to carry real weight a little over two weeks ago when 2011 MVP Ryan Braun was suspended for the remainder of the season. He took the suspension immediately without putting up a fight, and it seemed only a matter of hours before MLB would come knocking on A-Rod’s door. So we waited, and waited, and then we waited some more. In the era of Facebook, Twitter, and all things instant, the 15 days that we had to wait for A-Rod’s “suspension” to be handed down seemed like an eternity. On Monday, the 5th day of August, in the 2013th year, Alex Rodriguez was handed a 211 game suspension. I’m sorry, did you say 211? As in the most arbitrary number known to mankind? Oh, okay, I was just wondering. Forget the facts, Major League Baseball should lose this case solely based on the number 211. Here’s where it gets tricky, so try to stay with me.

Major League Baseball has an enormous drug problem (so does every other sport in the world, but it doesn’t seem to be an issue anywhere else now does it?). MLB feels that in order to rid its game of PED’s they must make an example of someone. In this case, they have chosen the all mighty Alex Rodriguez. He is not the chosen one, he just happens to be the biggest name they could find right now. Remember, they already tried Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, etc., etc., etc. Failed, failed, and oh that last one is actually currently employed by MLB. Good work guys. Despite MLB’s major blunders in the fight against PED’s, they figured they’d give it another shot. MLB wants Rodriguez out until the end of 2014. The amount of games, as I mentioned earlier, is secondary. What they don’t realize is that that will play against them in this case. According to The Joint Drug Agreement the Player’s Union has with MLB, 1st time offenders are subject to a 50-game suspension. That is what the other players suspended yesterday were given, and that’s what should have been given to A-Rod as well. However, in all of these cases, there is not a single positive test out there. All of these suspensions are predicated on substantial evidence that the players feel they cannot overcome. So, this is where the super intelligence A-Rod possesses comes into play. A-Rod understands all of this, and at the same time knows what will work for him and at the same time will work against MLB. He knows that MLB does NOT want this to drag on and on, because as aforementioned they have failed miserably when faced with a legal battle. He also knows what he has left to fight for and what he ultimately wants. He knows that his name and any chance of a legacy has been completely tarnished. He knows that his name will never be set along side the greats in Cooperstown (at least while he’s alive). He is no spring chicken at 38 years old, and all he has left in baseball terms is his enormously disproportional contract and the amount of time he has left to actually step on to the field. So how does he accomplish both of those things? By appealing said suspension of course. Now, he gets to continue playing while still picking up his paycheck. He also understands that his case will be seen in front of an arbitrator. This process takes a minimum of three to four months. This ultimately means that short of an injury, A-Rod will be donning Yankees pinstripes for the rest of this season. Now, here’s where it gets even trickier, so hold on tight. The general public does not know all of the evidence that MLB holds on Alex Rodriguez. From what we’ve heard they have texts, e-mails, and phone records between he and Tony Bosch, but we don’t know exactly how damaging this evidence could be. I’ve also heard people say, “well he admitted to using in 2003 so why can’t they punish him for that too?”. Ah, again A-Rod, you’re so smart. Can anyone tell me when drug testing began in MLB? Yes, that is correct; 2004. Now, they also want to hang him because he apparently attempted to buy evidence from Bosch and obstruct MLB’s investigation of the entire scandal. Again, I don’t know all the evidence, but to that I say good luck. Rodriguez has seen all of the evidence they have on him, and feels that he knows exactly what their intentions are. At the end of the day, MLB might want to suspend him for life, and would gladly settle for 211 games, but will be lucky if they get him to plea bargain down to 50 games. My personal hunch is that he will walk away from this with a grand total of 0 games suspended. Why? How? How in the world could that be possible?

Well, as I mentioned earlier, MLB has handled this process very poorly. By the way, why don’t they hand down the suspension on the same day that A-Rod returns from his lengthy stint on the Disabled List? Hmmm? I’m not shouting conspiracy from the rooftops, but any news is good news right? Anyway, let me preface this next statement with this: I personally despise Alex Rodriguez. He seems like a smug, arrogant, self-conscience asshole. But, MLB has actually turned this money hungry, self serving, maniacal drug abuser into a sympathetic figure. I’ve actually heard people over the past couple of months say that they feel bad for A-Rod in this situation. WHAT?!?! This man cheated the game. It is plain and simple. I don’t care about all the loopholes that I am discussing in this article and all the crap he and his legal team are going to pull with the arbitrator. I don’t care that there is no positive test out there with Alex Rodriguez’s name on it. HE DID IT!! But, as we all know, most of the other guys out there are doing it too, so I guess that makes it okay. Money can buy your way out of anything, so I guess that makes it okay. Even though this is the most ridiculous spectacle professional sports has seen in the past two decades, it’s brought baseball back to the front pages, so I guess that makes it okay. At the end of the day, it would be nice to start talking about baseball because of the games that are being played on the field. Baseball has become a sideshow where the off field drama is more interesting to viewers than the game itself. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: clean up the game by making the penalties even more harsh and include monetary penalties as well (because what are we really talking about here $$?). Here is Dave’s proposed rules for drug user’s:

Drug Test randomly once a month for the entire year.

1st Offense: Full Season including Postseason Suspension without pay (including half of player’s contract voided)

2nd Offense: Banned for life (entire contract voided and any association with baseball completely severed)

I know I know, The Player’s Union would never allow that, but where are all the clean players that should be standing up for a level playing field? Why aren’t the players who have publicly taken a stance against PED’s made their voices heard? I say hit them where it really hurts (playing time and their wallet), and you will most likely see a change in the league. Don’t get me wrong, players will always look for a competitive advantage and there are plenty of idiots out there that would continue to use even with harsher penalties. However, it would be another step in the right direction. What do you think? How do you think MLB can clean up it’s game? How do you feel about A-Rod’s suspension? Is it fair? Please tell me in the comment section below. Thanks for reading as always.

If you enjoy my writing, follow me over to intheneutralzone.com where I am a contributing author there as well. Also you can follow me on twitter @DaveEttinger2 or like me on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/DaveTalksSports. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!

One Liner Friday’s

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Hello and welcome back to another edition of One Liner Friday’s. Here you can find the past week in sports wrapped up in one line and one line only. Enjoy!!

Hey what do you know, Bill Belichick does have a heart.

I was actually starting to wonder if he was a robot.

Has anyone seen that picture of Tyson Chandler in a pair of shorts?

Forget one line, I have one word for Tyson Chandler : SQUATS!

I know virtually no one has noticed, but we must be in bizarro world because the U.S. Men’s Soccer team has won 9 games in a row!

Dear Derek Rose, I love the confidence, but you must be high as a kite to say that you are the best player in the NBA.

We all know you didn’t play any games last year, but apparently you didn’t watch any games either.

The Hefty Lefty shot a remarkable final round 66 to win the Open Championship, I’m just glad there were no tents in his way this year.

From now on, I think Tiger Woods should wear Pink on Sundays.

Is anyone else tired of hearing about A-Rod?

Here, I will be taking a stand against the meaningless A-Rod drivel that everyone else is pushing.

I will give you one last line: he cheated and lied, but he’s clearly The Yankees best option at 3rd base so play him until he gets suspended.

Isn’t it sad though that The Yankees are going to rely on Alfonso Soriano to be their savior?

Wait a minute, Alfonso Soriano, Derek Jeter, Andy Pettite, and Mariano Rivera, where is Chuck Knoblauch when you need him?

Lebron left his city, now he’s turning his back on his own country, what’s next? (Maybe he’ll move to Canada)

Ryan Braun bet his life and he’s still alive and Aaron Rodgers bet his salary and he’s still living large, let’s bring out the electric chair so we can move on with our day. #welchonabet

Matt Ryan gets paid!!!!!!

Apparently winning 1 career playoff game is the new benchmark for a $100 million dollar contract.

So big hits at the college level are now cause for ejection, I’m glad the NCAA is attempting to completely ruin another aspect of their game, what a shocker.

They might as well put tutu’s on these guys and let them hit each other with pillows.

Football is a violent sport, let’s leave it that way!!

Speaking of football, Jaws must be sharing Derek Rose’s stash if he thinks Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan are both better than Drew Brees.

On a serious note: I feel horrible for Tim Hudson, who over the past 15 years has been one of the most solid and consistent pitchers in all of baseball.

I feel really bad that he got injured the way he did, and I hope he is able to return to form and pitch in the Major League’s again.

The Mets are not just ruining their own players careers, but have now figured out how to ruin their opponents careers too.

Jaromir Jagr was born during World War II, and he is still playing in the NHL; amazing.

With the start of training camp it’s time to get excited about football, but I think it’s cute that Jets fans are actually convinced that they can win 9 games this year.

4 spot, if they’re lucky.

Have a nice weekend everybody!!

If you enjoy my writing, follow me over to intheneutralzone.com where I am a contributing author there as well. Also you can follow me on twitter @DaveEttinger2 or like me on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/DaveTalksSports. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!

MLB Serves Ryan Braun With A Vacation

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As most of you have probably heard by now, Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers has been suspended for the remainder of the 2013 season (including the playoffs that they’re not going to be in). At this point in the season that means that his suspension will total 65 games. Monetarily speaking Braun will lose just north of $3.4 million. That’s change in the couch for a guy like Braun, since he signed a contract extension in 2011 worth a whopping $105 million. Side note: Isn’t there something wrong with figures like that? One-Hundred and Five Million Dollars? Man, you could feed a small country for a year with that. But, their salaries are obviously our fault, and we all know this already, so I’ll stop traveling off topic and I’ll get back to the task at hand. If you aren’t aware of why this suspension is so fulfilling and unbelievably hysterical, let me fill you in. Ryan Braun won the MVP in 2011. Immediately following the announcement of this award, Braun provided Major League Baseball with a positive test for performance enhancing drugs. Even with a positive test out there, Braun continuously proclaimed his innocence and denied any and all use of said banned substances. He, being the sweetheart that he is, took it as far as personally attacking the man who collected the sample. The long and short of the story is that Braun did not get punished for said positive test because the man who collected the sample didn’t get it shipped out of his house in the allotted amount of time. So, Braun got off on what many have called a technicality. And rather than say thank you for getting the process right, and I didn’t do this and I’m glad our system prevailed, he went on and on and on and on in a speech for the ages. For those of you who haven’t seen this gem, click below:

Ryan Braun is a phenomenal liar if I do say so myself. I personally think he would make a fantastic double agent for the FBI or CIA. That speech right there is unbelievable. I don’t know about you, but I think he took it too far when he said he’d bet his life that these substances never entered his body. Or was it when he mentioned all the honor, integrity, and class he has? (HA!). While it is great to see such a dishonest and deceitful player get caught, it is simply not enough to change the culture of a seriously tainted sport. Now as a lifelong baseball fan, I applaud baseball for what they are trying to do. Major League Baseball (along with every major sport everywhere) has a serious drug problem, and it needs a cure. The fight against performing enhancing drugs is long overdue. The only problem is the problem is so deeply rooted, and the players have such a union set up that it will never allow such a profitable problem to be solved in its entirety. These guys make their fancy livings with the help of this stuff. And as long as the guy next to you is doing it than I guess you’ll be doing it too.

Join me as we travel back to reality. With the system we have in place in Major League Baseball and the knowledge that the union will never allow stiffer consequences for these actions, this problem will continue to persist. And that is exactly why this suspension means absolutely nothing. As of today, Ryan Braun is getting an 8 month vacation. Yes, it is unpaid but as I stated earlier that means nothing to him. He’ll go home and enjoy time with his family, and enjoy time away from a horrible baseball team. Sure his name will always be slightly tainted, but after watching that video from 2 years ago, I think he’ll be just fine. As far as the 65 game suspension goes, some of you might be wondering how they came to such a number? Major League Baseball’s Joint Drug Agreement states that if caught with banned substances you will incur penalties of first a 50-game suspension, second a 100-game suspension, and finally if caught a third time a lifetime ban from baseball. So what clearly happened with Braun was MLB came to Braun and his lawyers and said this is the evidence we have on you. The evidence must have been overwhelmingly in favor of MLB, because Braun folded like a cheap suit and basically asked for the handcuffs and said I’ll put them on myself. MLB obviously wanted the 100-game suspension if not more, but were not planning to accept the minimal 50-games. So with Braun standing there with his pants down, he must have plea bargained his way down to the rest of the season. That is how they landed on the unorthodox number of 65.

Then came the icing on the cake (Ryan Braun’s public statement from yesterday in response to the suspension) that you probably left in the back of your cabinet for 3 years and then thought it was okay to use. Please read now, and enjoy, the worst public statement in the history of mankind:

“As I have acknowledged in the past, I am not perfect. I realize now that I have made some mistakes. I am willing to accept the consequences of those actions. This situation has taken a toll on me and my entire family, and it is has been a distraction to my teammates and the Brewers organization. I am very grateful for the support I have received from players, ownership and the fans in Milwaukee and around the country. Finally, I wish to apologize to anyone I may have disappointed – all of the baseball fans especially those in Milwaukee, the great Brewers organization, and my teammates. I am glad to have this matter behind me once and for all, and I cannot wait to get back to the game I love.”

Did anyone else have a reversal of fortune after reading that horror story? Let’s take a quick look into that statement. ‘As I have acknowledged in the past, I am not perfect.’ Really? When was that acknowledgement again? I don’t remember ever hearing about that. ‘This situation has taken a toll on me and my entire family.’ No, not on you, just on everyone else involved except for you because you are the only reason this ordeal is taking place. I would continue translating and analyzing this thing of beauty, but I don’t want to be sick to my stomach all day. The bottom line is that this suspension is the first of many, and it is certainly a step in the right direction. The only problem is it is the equivalent of taking about 5 steps up Mount Everest.

Finally, you all must be wondering what this means for Alex Rodriguez. It means nothing good for A-Rod that’s what it means. Sources are already saying that A-Rod is in discussions with MLB to work out a deal. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound like good news now does it? He was supposed to be back in the Yankees lineup Monday night, but that was postponed due to a “slight quad strain”. Yeah, okay, and my grandma is a professional basketball player. The Yankees, or MLB, or someone obviously didn’t want Rodriguez to step on to the field this season. So they had a little talk with Alex and extended his stay on the disabled list. My prediction is that MLB drops the hammer on A-Rod before the weekend is done.

What do you think of Braun’s suspension? Do you think it is meaningful or insignificant? What do you think will become of Alex Rodriguez? Please let me know by leaving your comments and responses in the comment section below. Thank you!

If you enjoy my writing, follow me over to intheneutralzone.com where I am a contributing author there as well. Also you can follow me on twitter @DaveEttinger2 or like me on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/DaveTalksSports. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!